Park Your Phone Before You Drive!

We see videos and hear stories in the news about bad things that happen because someone was texting in their car. When that “bad thing” happens closer to home it becomes magnified 100 percent and lives change.

Leslee and David Henson

I got a call around dinnertime on March 4^th from my friend Kathy. She was crying. She tearfully told me our friends Leslee and Dave Henson were out for a walk that morning in St. George and were hit by a car. He was killed. She had been life-flighted to our local hospital. I immediately pictured my sweet friends – he, handsome, smiling and friendly, looking a lot like David Hasselhoff; she, one of my best friends I’ve made memories with for 30 years now. My heart ached. I hung up and paced and cried. I called other mutual friends – there was a group of about six families who were friends in the mid-80s when we all lived in the same neighborhood. Our kids were little together – they played T-ball and took dance classes and had pre-school together. I love to make phone calls and call friends to visit. I did not love making those calls. We cried together and exclaimed how could it be? How could Dave be gone? What about Leslee – would she even survive? Her injuries were horrific.

I went to the hospital knowing I couldn’t go into the Neuro Shock Trama unit to see her but I needed to see her family and give and get hugs. We did just that – I hugged Leslee’s mom and daughters. Her daughter said she’d had 5,000 stitches to put her back together. I, and others, questioned that number. Really – 5,000? How could there be that many needed? Maybe it was only 500. I learned more of the accident – it was a texting driver who hit her. I was angry – how could someone so careless take away someone’s life and devastate an entire family and huge network of friends? How? Why?

The next day I returned to the hospital and Leslee’s son invited me to go see my friend. I held back sobs. My heart ached for her as she lay there broken yet she comforted me. She joked she was glad Dave didn’t have to suffer – he pushed her out of the way so she could. I know she must have been in shock but she knew he was gone and she was being brave and helping us to heal from our emotional wounds as she tried to heal from her physical ones. I was glad she still had her wonderful sense of humor.

Leslee the day a texting driver hit her and killed her husband.

Bones in Leslee’s neck and back were broken. She had bleeding in her brain. Her shoulder was injured. Her head was shaved and it was a mass of staples and stitches. The 5,000? It was true. She had stitches that ran from the inside of her left eyelid up over her forehead to the back of her head. There were splits off of that long nasty cut requiring more stitches and staples. But what was even more amazing – the nerves in her eyes had been severed. The eye surgeon put in 3,000 of those 5,000 stitches to reattach nerves. He had worried her eyes would be permanently open or droopy. They weren’t. He had been guided and the surgery was successful in giving her back her eyesight and her ability to use her eyes normally.  She had road rash and bruises on every part of her body . Leslee was a cheerleader in high school and won the Miss Springville pageant in 1973. She was a beauty. She asked me if she looked like a monster. I told her no, she was still beautiful. And she is.

For the next five days Leslee was in that unit, then transferred to a bed on the fourth floor. Her body was healing but she was in pain, managed by IV and oral meds. Hundreds of visitors came, hundreds of flowers and cards were brought by – so many they spilled into the hallway outside her room. She and Dave were and are loved. They are the kind of people you want for neighbors – giving, helpful, kind, non-judgmental, fun, crazy, happy, cute, vibrant and grounded.

I went to the hospital often. Once I just sat in her room as she lay still in her bed. I mourned Dave’s death. I mourned the loss of my friend’s life as it was before the accident. I wondered how the future would be for her. And I was angry at that texting driver.

From there she moved to Acute Rehab where she had to learn how to walk, get in and out of cars and how to wipe off a table – simple things that would allow her to go home. Because of her head trauma her own driver’s license had been revoked – another cruel twist caused by the texting driver.

She left the hospital for a few hours one morning to attend her husband’s funeral. Her best friend and lover. Her high school sweetheart and grandpa to 10 darling kids. I watched at the cemetery as one little grandson said, “that’s where they are going to put my grampa,” pointing to the hole below the casket. The lump in my throat nearly choked me. It was so unfair. It was so unreal, watching this family gather for this event, an event that didn’t need to happen.

Leslee did go home, two and a half weeks after the accident. We were all worried about her going to her home in Santa Clara, the home she and Dave set out from for that walk on March 4th. She told me later she was worried too but, and here’s something to remember when we feel too tired or busy to pray, she was comforted by all the prayers from so many. She and her daughters have said over and over, they felt people’s prayers. There is a level of pain we are all asked to bear at times in our lives but knowing that prayer helps ease that pain is something we all need to be aware of and never dismiss. Prayers help.

More accident details: It was a 50-year-old woman who was late for work, texting with her head down and eyes off the road. She also had no insurance. Leslee faces that financial burden too. It wasn’t that woman’s car that hit them – she hit another car with a driver named Fred and it was his car that careened into Dave and Leslee. He said he remembers seeing Dave and Leslee walking and was horrified his car was headed in their direction. He watched as Dave tried to push Leslee out of the way but they were both hit, Dave barely alive for only minutes. Fred’s life has been changed too. He blames himself for being in that spot at that moment. The Hensons have reached out and embraced him and his wife, assuring him it wasn’t his fault. Yet he will have that image of his car hitting Dave and Leslee in his mind for the rest of his life. So very tragic.

The woman at fault has been charged. Under Utah law she will pay up to a $10,000 fine and serve up to 15 years in prison. Fred said he didn’t think she started out that day to cause an accident yet her life is devastated by her thinking she had to text while driving. I look at her jail photo and think – she could be any one of us – a mother, sister, daughter, friend, neighbor. I’m sad for her.

 

A billboard on I-15 in St. George

My life has changed. I used to text while driving. I used to make and answer calls while driving. I don’t anymore. At all. It stays in my pocket. If I feel the need to look at it, I pull over into a parking lot. Red lights are not the place to check your phone. And I get angry when I see people on their phones. I want to push a sign in their face that says, “hang up and drive” or “my friend died because of a texting driver.” I don’t care if I get flipped off or yelled at. I’ve posted things on Facebook repeatedly about distracted driving – the Henson’s website stopthetextsstopthewrecks.blogspot.com, video clips, newspaper stories and more.

 
I bought T-shirts with the website on it. I’ve signed petitions to make Utah a state where you can’t use your phone in your car unless it’s hands-free (even then I think it’s still a distraction), I’ve helped call schools to get Leslee in to speak to students. She has spoken at three schools in the St. George area, she’s been on local TV stations and in newspaper articles. My son-in-law Todd and daughter Amy are filmmakers. I interviewed Leslee and Fred while Todd and Amy recorded. Todd put a touching video clip together that will be used by the Utah Highway Patrol, police departments, driver’s training schools and more. A shorter clip will show in Megaplex theaters this summer. 

We must get this message out – no text or call is worth a life.

We must pledge not to do it ourselves. We must sit down with our families and ask them not to do it. Tell them it’s ok to ignore their phones in their cars. If you are calling for them to stop and get a gallon of milk at the store on their way home is it better to get them home or the milk? Tell your kids who ride with others – if a driver won’t stop texting while driving tell them to let you out and to call you. Then, parents, BE THERE for your kids – go get them without complaint. Laud their choices to be safe. Don’t think this won’t happen to you. Hensons thought that.

This is an epidemic! Nine people die every day because of texting! Three out of four accidents happen because of texting.

Someone was skeptical recently about our efforts making a difference, that people will still text and drive so I posted this on FB:

I've posted a lot recently about not using your phones when driving, stemming from my friends' horrible accident. I'd like to know how many FB friends have changed their driving habits in the past month because of the accident my friend suffered. Please either like or explain. I'd like to get some unofficial statistics for a story I'm writing.

In less than 40 hours 67 people “liked” or responded. Here are some responses:

Mel Luthy Henderson I wasn't bad before, but since the accident and all your posting, I've seriously been super conscious of NOT using the phone. If it can't wait til I get to my destination, I'd better deal with it before I get in the car.

Kristi Johnson Parker for sure I have. Before, I would text on occasion only when it was a "most pressing" moment. But now a little Kaye voice in my head says, "park your phone". So I do. And now I'll go to answer an incoming call and then stop myself. Or I'll even go to make a call or listen to a voicemail while I'm stopped at a red light and even then I think just because I"m stopped at a red light doesn't mean I can check out for a minute.

Pam Lloyd Friske Yes I never text while driving but I have been known to glance at a stoplight. Now I just put phone in purse and ignore it.

Lisa Clement Shaw Will occasionally look at my phone when I am at a red light, but have stopped looking when driving because of this accident and your reminders. Have started pulling over if needed or just waiting. We used to be able to go for hours without a phone!

Melinda Meltzer I have friends from high school who lost their daughter several years ago because she was texting. I can't EVER forget that!

Melinda Bosch Workman I never texted while driving before, but was getting lazy about checking my phone/texting while at red lights, I recommitted to not texting at all as the driver. I'm so sorry for your loss, Kaye. Thank you for continuing to post.

Julie B. Hollingworth I have usually pulled over to answer a text or pick up the phone, but I used to (when at a long traffic light or something) dial someone really quick and then talk while I drove. Not anymore, the thought of doing that kind of damage to someone makes me feel sick in my stomach. I park my phone, or ignore it altogether, unless I pull over now.

Karen Mann I have texted while driving. Lots of times. But now you've scared me spitless. What's interesting, is that in sharing your friend's story and the story of the texting driver getting arrested, it's the arrest story that gets everyone's attention.

Daniel Parker The other day I was almost home and got a text. I was reaching into my pocket, thought of your stories, and stopped. I could wait the 2 minutes till I got home to see what somebody wanted. Things like this have happened often since you started posting.

Brenda Berrett Svendsen I loved reading each one of these responses that have changed people from texting and driving, due to your sharing of articles...videos, ect. Thank you Kaye. You are truly making a difference in many lives, and also the lives that we have shared the videos with. I too have changed, and have really become the "text nag" to my husband (who seems to think that each text is life changing)

Kristina Coleman Manscill I've had a couple serious chats with my husband since then about checking game updates being as bad as texting and have told him your story as well as tried to be better myself

Sheila Summerhays Today driving from SLC to Cedar City, I got a phone call. I pulled over to get it.

Jade McDowell I never did send texts while I was driving, but I did decide against answering the phone when it was ringing the other day.

Evie Forsyth I never use my cell phone when driving! Thanks for the heads up...my daughter in the Bay Area was rear-ended by someone on a cell.

I think it’s safe to say that getting the word out DOES make a difference! We have to be vocal – this is LIFE we are talking about. We can’t even count how many lives have been changed because of this accident. One life ended. Dave’s wife, children, children’s spouses, grandchildren (10 with two on the way), Dave’s parents, parents-in-law, friends and neighbors from places they’ve lived in the past 35+ years, even kids in their most recent primary class are sad they don’t have “Brother Dave.” What about Fred and his wife – snowbirds who live in Minnesota, only here for the winter and the EMTs and doctors who worked on Dave and Leslee? There is a ripple effect of sadness from one simple text sent on what was supposed to be a beautiful spring morning.

I believe Dave is orchestrating efforts from beyond the veil. He knows there is sadness at his loss but he also knows that he has a strong, vocal, yet gentle wife and adult children who will wage war on this happening to anyone else ever again. 

Leslee said a trauma doctor gave her some good advice. He told her not to ask “why me?” but to ask “what now? What should I be doing now with my life?” She wants to be a mother and grandmother but she also knows she can make a difference for others. I know she has for me. And I hope to make a difference for others for pushing this message. Life is too precious and too beautiful to have it cut short by a mindless, unnecessary act.

Park your phones before you drive. No text or call is worth a life.

(The wrecked car photo is courtesy of Jud Burkett/The Spectrum & Daily News)

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Sharing Stacie's Love

My beautiful niece Stacie Gray died in a car accident 10 years ago at the tender age of 24. It was the most tragic event in our family's life. For me, the hardest thing since that day has been watching my sister Jan suffer. I hope and pray never to go through the despair and pain she has since losing her daughter. My heart has a constant dull ache in one corner for my sister and this trial she has to bear.

As each anniversary of Stacie's death has approached in recent years, we've tried to do something to remember her. One year we let balloons go at her grave, sending messages of love to Stacie. Another year we planted a tree in Jan's yard. This year, as the 10th anniversary approached, I wanted to do something to remember Stacie but also to help Jan. I'm always wondering how I can help her heal. One thing I do to help myself feel better is to help others. I generally find that serving others lifts my own spirits. With that in mind I came up with an idea that was sparked several years ago.

Stacie's sister Stephnie and her children were in a car accident on the freeway one summer day. The vehicle was damaged but driveable. Thankfully, no one was injured. She was on her way to my house where a group of our family would all continue on to Lagoon. When they got to my house I remember her kids jumping out of the damaged minivan holding fluffy stuffed animals saying, "Look what I got!!" The Utah Highway Patrol who attended the accident gave each of Steph's kids a stuffed animal to help comfort them in a traumatic situation. The kids were talking more about their new soft friends than the accident. It was a lovely thing for the UHP to distract the kids from the accident and I've remembered that ever since.

So I had the idea to collect stuffed animals to donate to the Utah Highway Patrol. I also asked at the Utah Valley Regional Medical Center, where the ER team worked valiantly to save Stacie, if they would take donations of stuffed animals. They said yes but only new ones since they would be given to sick or injured children and they didn't want germs introduced at the hospital.

I wrote this explanation and posted it on Facebook:

Ten years ago our family lost a beautiful daughter, sister, niece, cousin, granddaughter and friend. Stacie Mae Gray was one of a kind – vibrant, smiling, happy, silly, loving and sweet. She was fiercely loyal and protective of those she loved. Stacie had darling fashion sense. She lit up a room with her personality. Her absence has been tangible since she was taken from this earth but we think about her and yearn for the day we get to put our arms around her again.

Stacie was all for protecting children and helping them feel safe and loved, especially her baby brother.  In her young life she knew pain and suffering. She fought through tough times to a place of peace. And she’d want that for other children.

Her family is collecting stuffed animals – new and gently used – to honor Stacie’s memory as we come upon 10 years without her. These toys will be given to the Highway Patrol to give to children in car accidents to ease their suffering and for rewards at seat belt checkpoints. They’ll also be handed out at hospitals to children facing the fear of sickness and surgeries, although those donations need to be new, not used.

Please donate if you can. Look through the toys your children have. Talk to them about this project and how they can help by giving their toys to children in scary situations. Or buy new toys for children at the hospital knowing they will brighten a child’s sad day.

We will gather the stuffed animals from February 21st – Stacie’s birthday, to March 13th  –the day Stacie died (but we’ll keep going if they keep coming!). There are three drop-off points – Jan Gray’s in Springville, Kaye Nelson’s in Provo and Stephnie Mead’s in Ferron, Utah (outside of Price). You can drop them off to one of us or call us and we’ll come get them. (If you have friends who want to contribute, try to gather many before calling to save us some trips). If you need our address or to arrange a time and place for pick up, please private message one of us.

Together we can make a difference in the lives of children who need something soft to hold onto, just for a time, and we can honor the memory of a sweet girl who left us far too soon.

Thanks for your participation and for spreading the word!

Stacie Mae Gray 1979-2003

Three drop-off points turned into six with friends in other areas volunteering to gather animals for us.

The result was more than overwhelming! It exceeded our expectations. I remember talking to Sgt. Ted Tingey of the UHP for the first time several months ago. He was excited we wanted to gather animals for them and said, "however many you get - 25 or 250 - we'll take them!!" I thought maybe we could hit 500 using Facebook and word of mouth. Once the story was on Facebook the local newspaper got wind of it and did a story. I work in the newspaper business and a story on the front of a section, above the fold, is prominent news. Our story was just that and with my email address listed, we got many more people interested and donating.

The first donation was one new animal from a good friend, Toneta Holmes.

An anonymous donor at NuSkin donated 180 or so brand new puppies. A homebound man in Springville ordered 10 new Ty Beanie Baby hot pink giraffes for us. Some young girls at a local school got permission from their principal to hang fliers in their school, collecting and donating several huge bags of brand new stuffed animals.

And they just kept pouring in. I set aside a bedroom in our home to sort the animals. I had a staging area on the end of the bed where I dumped them out, looked at each one, cut off strings and old tags, set some aside that needed to be washed or mended and bagged and tagged those that were ready to go. I gave bags of animals to friends who washed and dried them. I kept a running total and easily passed 500. I thought maybe we'll hit 1,000! We passed 1,000! I got needle and thread and fixed a dozen or so.


My washing machine was going all day one day with six loads of animals which I then arranged on the picnic tables outside to dry in the sun. 

My staging area was soon covered by large white garbage bags stuffed full of animals and the room was shoulder high in boxes and bags. The staging area then moved to my living room. My husband's eyebrow went up as his space was encroached upon but he was a good sport, knowing it was for a good cause.

My daughters went through their childhood toys and donated many. My mother had a closet full of animals and gave them to the cause. Old high school friends brought donations by. A friend from years ago who I had just reconnected with on Facebook sent a check to buy new ones. A past student sent a box of her childhood animals all the way from Canada!

My former student Mariangela Mazzei sent these from Canada!

Other friends sent boxes from Louisiana and Washington and more came from people around Utah. Two little girls in my neighborhood walked up the street and gave me their animals. Donations ranged from one to hundreds.

One night a woman I had been texting brought two big black bags to my house. She called a half hour later and said her nephew had jokingly hidden his dad's cellphone in one of the bags! I looked and the phone was among the animals - we returned it to her and had a good laugh. The boy might have gotten a stern talking to!

My friend Pam Friske in Salt Lake asked to be a drop-off point and she collected animals as part of a class assignment - she had more than 100!

Pam Friske gathered more than 100 in Salt Lake.

The funniest part has been my sister's porch. I'd drive to her house, pick up boxes and bags and she'd text to say there's more. I'd go the next day, pick up what was there and she'd text again - there's more. It was like the fishes and the loaves - they just kept multiplying - maybe it was the bunnies in the bags that kept multiplying!!

We had bears, bears, bears - some with clothes, some with bows, some with hats and a whole box of Beanie Baby bears too! Close to Easter we got bunnies of all shapes, colors and sizes; snakes, elephants, giraffes, sharks, turtles, dolls, horses, Winnie the Pooh characters, Care Bears, Cabbage Patch kids, Mickey and Minnie Mouse dolls, sock monkeys, other monkeys, fish, birds, iguanas, Woody, Buzz Lightyear, Teletubbies (they talked to me as I threw a bag in my car - "hello, bye bye"!), every Sesame Street character, Flintstones (are they still popular?), frogs, koalas, unicorns, bats, bugs, cows and kitties. There were pigs, pelicans, puppies and ponies. Camels, caterpillars, clowns and chickens, even talking chickens! Some were gigantic - I could only fit a few in a large bag! Others were tiny but some child will love having a small friend to hold.

Some came with sweet notes acknowledging our efforts.

I posted pictures on Facebook to keep people updated and gave a new count every so often. Every time I mentioned it again someone new would ask about it and they'd donate too! I'm sure Stacie was orchestrating things on her end so we have been bombarded on this end. She's laughing about it and so are we!!

The culmination of this activity came on April 4 in two places. I worked with Sgt. Ted Tingey of the UHP to set up a media event. We loaded Jera's truck, Stephnie's van and my truck with nearly 2,000 stuffed animals and we all drove to the UHP headquarters in Salt Lake. Sgt. Tingey had sent out a press release and local TV news stations 2, 4, 5 and 13 were all there plus a reporter (my former student) Whitney Evans, from the Deseret News. My sister was a little nervous but she did great! The UHP lined the walls with tables and put bags and animals all over them. The tables in front of the podium had lots of colorful animals on them. We found out one UHP office, Cameron Roden, had not only gone to school with Stacie but was friends with her! He emceed the event and invited Jan to speak to media and the UHP officers.

My sissy Jan telling Stacie's story to the media at the UHP.

She did a fabulous job telling the story of Stacie, her accident, not wearing a seat belt that day although she ALWAYS wore one and why we chose to collect animals and donate them to the UHP. Then a supervisor, Mike Ripach, spoke and thanked our family for the donation. He then presented me, Jan and Steph with a thank you letter, a UHP patch and a gold coin they give out for going above and beyond the call of duty. We were honored!

Reporters asked for interviews and we all gave comments, Jan especially. And she did great. The news last night was covered with Stacie's picture, pictures of the stuffed animals and my sister telling the story and reminding people to buckle up! The UHP said this is the largest donation they've ever received! The next largest was 300!

We hurried back to Provo, loaded up the new animals and drove to the Utah Valley Regional Medical Center where Annette Young and her staff were waiting with wagons and carts to receive their donation of 439 new stuffed animals.

UVRMC was very happy to receive 439 new animals!

 It was a happy occasion as we unloaded animals and took pictures. They gave hugs and thanks and said they were going upstairs to give animals to 10 waiting kids in the pediatric unit. Such a happy thought!

So, it's over. We shared Stacie's love. While we don't have her here physically to love, we can take the love we have for her and send it on to others. And the memories of many generous people, bags on porches, an overflowing bedroom, many working hands and grateful recipients will last in our minds and hearts for a very long time.

 Stacie even gave her thanks. As I loaded a bag that held talking Teletubbies into my truck one said in a sing-songy voice, "Big hug!" You're welcome Stacie!!