A thought of sadness spurred many thoughts of happiness

I woke up this morning kind of sad. I'd dreamed I was teaching students again how to be reporters. I remembered the things I taught at BYU at The Daily Universe from August 2008 to April 2012 and it was so satisfying and fun. I woke up missing teaching.

I layed in bed and thought of my years with students - nearly 500 of them in my time as the Editorial Lab Manager at the DU. I am so grateful to Rich Evans for calling me in the spring of 2008 to come and work with him in the newsroom. He and I shared many happy, fun, memorable times with so many amazing, smart, wonderful students. I got a message the other day from a past student who was commenting on me helping with the Henson's distracted driving campaign.

"... I wanted to take a second to write you privately just to tell you how much I look up to you for how much you have done for your friends, but also how much you have done for a great cause. You are a fantastic example of what we should all aspire to do in getting involved in our local government." 

He mentioned a BYU professor who teaches students how to cover the Capitol beat but continued:

"But I know that all of us agree, without any doubt or reservation, that you and Rich were by far the most influential and educational professors or editors or mentors or whatever role we can come up with from our time at BYU. Not only were you two influential then, but Kaye, you have not stopped influencing and shaping our lives with your testimony and your consistent example. So thank you!"

His message brought (and brings) tears to my eyes. I'm so grateful for the time I had at BYU to be among so many wonderful people. I loved teaching. I loved getting to know students. I loved making life in the newsroom fun, memorable and interesting. I was just doing what comes natural to me - loving the Lord, the gospel and people. 

I have been bitter about how my time at BYU ended. There were several professors who I know worked hard to push me and seven others out of our jobs. It was cruel, especially to the men who had families and to those who had worked there for decades. But I'm past that. I've tried to forgive and move on. I'm still working on not feeling a tinge of bitterness toward certain people.

This morning though, as I woke up and felt that sadness, I started thinking about all the reasons why I'm glad I'm not still there. As much as I miss teaching, I now have time to focus on so many good things. I spend more time with Riley - we've become closer in the past two years. He is my anchor and he supports whatever I choose to do, sometimes with suggestions or advice to do things another way, but always supporting.

I'm glad I have more time for my mom. She has declined even more in the past few years. I spend a lot of time on her needs. I can't even keep track because that too would be time consuming. We've gotten closer and she appreciates that I don't have to run off to work when I'm with her.

Our granddaughter was born the week after my job ended. She brings me exquisite joy! I've been able to go to Phoenix many times and I love being with her and Jason and Brandy. They make me feel welcomed and loved. Two new grandbabies will be born this year and I'm so grateful I'll have time to spend with them and their parents. I love being with my daughters and their husbands too - we are all good friends and that is a blessing not all parents get to enjoy. 

I've gotten closer to my sister recently too - we have been friends since I was born and have been through some rough patches. But we love each other and we are there for each other, sometimes with just a text or a Facebook message, other times we meet for lunch or sit and talk about life. I leave treats for her at her house to brighten her day, knowing she has much sorrow in her heart for the loss of her beautiful daughter 11 years ago. 

I love keeping in touch with my nieces and nephews - even if it's just a text to see how they are doing. I don't think it's hard to love people and show that love. Christ is the perfect example of loving others and it's a great example to follow.

I have more time to do wonderful things I've always wanted to do. I go to the temple twice a month, I've done family history work, I do indexing for the Church. I read my scriptures more regularly and write in my journal daily. These activities build me spiritually and I know I am blessed for taking the time, time I didn't have when I was working, to do them.

One of the biggest blessings that came right as my job ended was having my dear friend Jera Parker move to Utah. She and I are soul sisters - we laugh, cry, talk, work, sew, swim, paint, shop, create, plan, cook, cut, can and relax together. I treasure her and the relationship we have. We've talked many times about how blessed we are - to live 22 minutes apart and plan projects so we can be together.

I love so many people and I love planning times to get together. I have a group of wonderful friends I spent time with at Camp Shalom several years ago. We were thrown together in 2007 and we've remained close friends. I love making plans to get us together and sometimes it takes a few weeks or months to hit on a day when we can all meet but Callie McKay, Mary Lee and Denita Mortenson are wonderful, happy, vibrant women and the four of us clicked for camp and continue to click as friends. I have many ward friends who I love to be with - women from their twenties to their eighties. I welcome opportunities when friends reach out for help with projects or want to meet for lunch. We help each other; we lift each other and we love each other. I love making memories and if it involves helping someone, so much the better.

Throughout my life I have yearned to bring people together - to make plans to meet for breakfast, lunch or dinner. I think it's a blessing I'm prompted to do so. It's been fun the past few years to do this with cousins and high school friends. I've gotten the Wheeler cousins - Dawn, Bob, Rusty and sometimes Mick together with me and Jan. And also the Swenson cousins - Tamra, Elaine and Paula with me and Jan. We have fun eating and catching up on our lives and reminiscing about years we played together as kids and teenagers. I got these two groups together in January and February and our moms including AnnaDale Wheeler joined the Wheeler breakfast. I love strengthening ties with loved ones, friends or family.  We meet with college friends - the Ponds, Parrishes and Smiths at least twice a year. And whenever friends from our past pass through Utah I try to plan something where we can catch up and make new memories.

Jon Groneman and I plan lunches at Brick Oven every few months and school friends gather to eat and renew friendships. We've done many of these the past few years and we will continue them. People I knew in my school years are now back in my life and we are making new and deeper friendships. These "people" experiences make me a better person and I enjoy life more because I love more. 

I love having time in my home to crochet, sew, read and organize. I take the time to exercise more and eat healthier. I say longer, more meaningful prayers. My life is full. It was full when I was teaching but this is a different kind of full. There truly is a season for all things. This is a different season for me but one I love.

So, after a few moments of sadness this morning I realized how blessed I am to have the life I have right now. I know if my job hadn't ended I would have been sad and stressed to not have time to be with my grandbabies, to connect with my family, to play with Jera. The Lord gives us experiences to make this earth life something we enjoy now and will remember for eternity. I cherish that.

My Version of D&C 122

Many times in the past couple of years I've been inundated with frustration and stress. Problems were coming in more than the dreaded "threes" and I was drowning. In addition, I had family members and friends struggling with difficulties in their own lives. I have a hard time knowing someone is suffering. I am a problem solver and a peacemaker and I want to fix things. So I internalize and worry about others' problems too.

About six years ago my mom had started having severe back pain. I took her to doctor after doctor, experimented with and tweaked many pain medications, took her to have epidurals in her spine and yet she remained in almost constant pain. It was hard for her to bear and hard for me to watch her live with it. I spent many sleepless nights trying to solve her problems and I watched her change from a fun, vibrant, happy woman to a sad, hurting woman. One day she was very emotional about it and so was I and I thought about this section in the Doctrine and Covenants. I read it to her - it is the Lord's response to Joseph Smith when he was a prisoner in Liberty Jail and he was despairing over his situation. Mom and I talked about verse 8 - that Christ has known every pain, suffering, stress, agony, frustration and despair and because He has, He can lift us. He can understand anything we are going through. I'm not sure it helped my mom much because of her intense pain and things got worse with her having a stroke not long after the back issues but I remembered it last year when I was feeling so bogged down by worry and difficulty. I read it, understood it better than I ever have and then wrote my own version, drawn from experiences of people I love and from my own experiences:


If thou art called to lose the ability to stand; if thou art given financial troubles; if thou must lose a daughter or son to death; if thou lose thy job; if thy children stray from the gospel; if terrible wrecks and bodily injuries afflict thee or thy family; if enemies or even loved ones hurt or offend thee; if illness afflict thy body or mind; if old age come upon thee and rob thee of natural abilities; if household plumbing or electrical or foundation or roofing or appliance problems plague thee; if drought consumes thy lawns; if floods rage and tear down roads and gulleys; if fires threaten a beloved cabin; if thieves steal and plunder and effort must be made to restore belongings; if children make choices that are painful and against their upbringing and the way of truth and light; if insurance companies throw wrenches in coverage that cause many hours of phone calls and stress; if memory is dimmed and questions are repeated over and over; if beloved animals pass away; if pain afflicts thy back and bunions afflict thy feet and diarrhea afflicts thy bowels, know thou, my son or daughter, that all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?

Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.

Section 122 is personal to Joseph Smith and what he was going through in 1839. My version is personal to me and verses 8 and 9 give me hope. They help me understand that Christ has suffered far beyond what I will ever suffer. Even more than that, He is there to help me with my suffering. Others can help by saying nice things or even doing tasks that take some of the load off and I appreciate those who do that because it truly does help. But Christ can lift my heart. He can give me new resolve to face what is ahead. He has internalized my pain and suffering and can minimize it for me if I will listen and obey. He has done it for me and He has done it for every person I know and don't know. It's a gift that we should never put on a shelf. The Atonement is real and meaningful in my life.

I know there will be things that come in the future that will frustrate me, probably to the point of tears. But I will not despair because of this very personal version of section 122. I'm grateful to have been inspired to write it and I hope to refer to it often to be reminded of Christ's love and sacrifice for me. And for you.

Missing the chance

My friend Ireta died a couple of weeks ago. I was on Frontrunner headed to the airport to go to Phoenix when I got the news. I was shocked. She hadn't been ill that I knew of. I felt a profound sadness that I would never be able to talk to her again, at least in this life. It was a depressing feeling. Yes, I was sad that she died but I think I was even more sad that I wouldn't get to talk to her one more time, not necessarily to say goodbye because neither of us would have known that death was imminent. She didn't know. It was not anticipated.

I thought about her for a few days then picked up the phone to call her daughter. I was at a loss for words. Her daughter was emotional saying they just hadn't thought this would happen. I missed Ireta's funeral and that made me sad too. I wanted to be there for her family. I also picked up the phone to call my friend Jan Billings, one of Ireta's longtime friends and neighbor of 50+ years. We talked of Ireta and her wonderful qualities and how we'll miss her. I didn't tell Jan this but I wanted to hear Jan's voice, to talk to her "just in case." Jan is 87 and is as spry as any 50 year old. She drives to St. George and a million other places, teaches aerobics, plays in Bridge groups, dresses stylish, cans produce from her garden and more. If I have to live to be 87 I want to be like Jan. I don't think Jan is going to die anytime soon but not being able to talk to Ireta made me think I should talk to Jan, just in case. I ended our call with "I love you," not my standard goodbye with Jan. But I had to say it, so she'd know.

That made me think of other people I love, young and old. Do I spend enough time paying attention to people so that when they die there won't be regrets for me not keeping in touch and telling them I love them? Do I say or show my love enough? I've been with people when they died and it was a spiritual experience as they crossed from this life to the next but you can't shake them and say, wait a minute, I didn't tell you something. It's done. It's over. There are no re-dos. It's kind of daunting to think about how many people I love and that I want them to know that. I can't write a note every day to each and every person - there just isn't time. But I can let them know when I do see them. And I can make it a point to seek people out and share my love by word and deed. Then, when they depart, I'll think back to the last time we talked and I won't feel a profound sadness that they left before I could tell them how I felt. I guess what I've learned is, live a life spreading love. If I do, I won't have any regrets or feel profound sadness. And there will be profound joy when seeing loved ones in the next life knowing I loved them easily and often here on earth.