Missing the chance

My friend Ireta died a couple of weeks ago. I was on Frontrunner headed to the airport to go to Phoenix when I got the news. I was shocked. She hadn't been ill that I knew of. I felt a profound sadness that I would never be able to talk to her again, at least in this life. It was a depressing feeling. Yes, I was sad that she died but I think I was even more sad that I wouldn't get to talk to her one more time, not necessarily to say goodbye because neither of us would have known that death was imminent. She didn't know. It was not anticipated.

I thought about her for a few days then picked up the phone to call her daughter. I was at a loss for words. Her daughter was emotional saying they just hadn't thought this would happen. I missed Ireta's funeral and that made me sad too. I wanted to be there for her family. I also picked up the phone to call my friend Jan Billings, one of Ireta's longtime friends and neighbor of 50+ years. We talked of Ireta and her wonderful qualities and how we'll miss her. I didn't tell Jan this but I wanted to hear Jan's voice, to talk to her "just in case." Jan is 87 and is as spry as any 50 year old. She drives to St. George and a million other places, teaches aerobics, plays in Bridge groups, dresses stylish, cans produce from her garden and more. If I have to live to be 87 I want to be like Jan. I don't think Jan is going to die anytime soon but not being able to talk to Ireta made me think I should talk to Jan, just in case. I ended our call with "I love you," not my standard goodbye with Jan. But I had to say it, so she'd know.

That made me think of other people I love, young and old. Do I spend enough time paying attention to people so that when they die there won't be regrets for me not keeping in touch and telling them I love them? Do I say or show my love enough? I've been with people when they died and it was a spiritual experience as they crossed from this life to the next but you can't shake them and say, wait a minute, I didn't tell you something. It's done. It's over. There are no re-dos. It's kind of daunting to think about how many people I love and that I want them to know that. I can't write a note every day to each and every person - there just isn't time. But I can let them know when I do see them. And I can make it a point to seek people out and share my love by word and deed. Then, when they depart, I'll think back to the last time we talked and I won't feel a profound sadness that they left before I could tell them how I felt. I guess what I've learned is, live a life spreading love. If I do, I won't have any regrets or feel profound sadness. And there will be profound joy when seeing loved ones in the next life knowing I loved them easily and often here on earth.