Many times in the past couple of years I've been inundated with frustration and stress. Problems were coming in more than the dreaded "threes" and I was drowning. In addition, I had family members and friends struggling with difficulties in their own lives. I have a hard time knowing someone is suffering. I am a problem solver and a peacemaker and I want to fix things. So I internalize and worry about others' problems too.
About six years ago my mom had started having severe back pain. I took her to doctor after doctor, experimented with and tweaked many pain medications, took her to have epidurals in her spine and yet she remained in almost constant pain. It was hard for her to bear and hard for me to watch her live with it. I spent many sleepless nights trying to solve her problems and I watched her change from a fun, vibrant, happy woman to a sad, hurting woman. One day she was very emotional about it and so was I and I thought about this section in the Doctrine and Covenants. I read it to her - it is the Lord's response to Joseph Smith when he was a prisoner in Liberty Jail and he was despairing over his situation. Mom and I talked about verse 8 - that Christ has known every pain, suffering, stress, agony, frustration and despair and because He has, He can lift us. He can understand anything we are going through. I'm not sure it helped my mom much because of her intense pain and things got worse with her having a stroke not long after the back issues but I remembered it last year when I was feeling so bogged down by worry and difficulty. I read it, understood it better than I ever have and then wrote my own version, drawn from experiences of people I love and from my own experiences:
If thou art called to lose the ability to stand; if thou art given financial troubles; if thou must lose a daughter or son to death; if thou lose thy job; if thy children stray from the gospel; if terrible wrecks and bodily injuries afflict thee or thy family; if enemies or even loved ones hurt or offend thee; if illness afflict thy body or mind; if old age come upon thee and rob thee of natural abilities; if household plumbing or electrical or foundation or roofing or appliance problems plague thee; if drought consumes thy lawns; if floods rage and tear down roads and gulleys; if fires threaten a beloved cabin; if thieves steal and plunder and effort must be made to restore belongings; if children make choices that are painful and against their upbringing and the way of truth and light; if insurance companies throw wrenches in coverage that cause many hours of phone calls and stress; if memory is dimmed and questions are repeated over and over; if beloved animals pass away; if pain afflicts thy back and bunions afflict thy feet and diarrhea afflicts thy bowels, know thou, my son or daughter, that all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?
Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.
Section 122 is personal to Joseph Smith and what he was going through in 1839. My version is personal to me and verses 8 and 9 give me hope. They help me understand that Christ has suffered far beyond what I will ever suffer. Even more than that, He is there to help me with my suffering. Others can help by saying nice things or even doing tasks that take some of the load off and I appreciate those who do that because it truly does help. But Christ can lift my heart. He can give me new resolve to face what is ahead. He has internalized my pain and suffering and can minimize it for me if I will listen and obey. He has done it for me and He has done it for every person I know and don't know. It's a gift that we should never put on a shelf. The Atonement is real and meaningful in my life.
I know there will be things that come in the future that will frustrate me, probably to the point of tears. But I will not despair because of this very personal version of section 122. I'm grateful to have been inspired to write it and I hope to refer to it often to be reminded of Christ's love and sacrifice for me. And for you.
Monday, February 24, 2014
Friday, February 21, 2014
Missing the chance
My friend Ireta died a couple of weeks ago. I was on Frontrunner headed to the airport to go to Phoenix when I got the news. I was shocked. She hadn't been ill that I knew of. I felt a profound sadness that I would never be able to talk to her again, at least in this life. It was a depressing feeling. Yes, I was sad that she died but I think I was even more sad that I wouldn't get to talk to her one more time, not necessarily to say goodbye because neither of us would have known that death was imminent. She didn't know. It was not anticipated.
I thought about her for a few days then picked up the phone to call her daughter. I was at a loss for words. Her daughter was emotional saying they just hadn't thought this would happen. I missed Ireta's funeral and that made me sad too. I wanted to be there for her family. I also picked up the phone to call my friend Jan Billings, one of Ireta's longtime friends and neighbor of 50+ years. We talked of Ireta and her wonderful qualities and how we'll miss her. I didn't tell Jan this but I wanted to hear Jan's voice, to talk to her "just in case." Jan is 87 and is as spry as any 50 year old. She drives to St. George and a million other places, teaches aerobics, plays in Bridge groups, dresses stylish, cans produce from her garden and more. If I have to live to be 87 I want to be like Jan. I don't think Jan is going to die anytime soon but not being able to talk to Ireta made me think I should talk to Jan, just in case. I ended our call with "I love you," not my standard goodbye with Jan. But I had to say it, so she'd know.
That made me think of other people I love, young and old. Do I spend enough time paying attention to people so that when they die there won't be regrets for me not keeping in touch and telling them I love them? Do I say or show my love enough? I've been with people when they died and it was a spiritual experience as they crossed from this life to the next but you can't shake them and say, wait a minute, I didn't tell you something. It's done. It's over. There are no re-dos. It's kind of daunting to think about how many people I love and that I want them to know that. I can't write a note every day to each and every person - there just isn't time. But I can let them know when I do see them. And I can make it a point to seek people out and share my love by word and deed. Then, when they depart, I'll think back to the last time we talked and I won't feel a profound sadness that they left before I could tell them how I felt. I guess what I've learned is, live a life spreading love. If I do, I won't have any regrets or feel profound sadness. And there will be profound joy when seeing loved ones in the next life knowing I loved them easily and often here on earth.
I thought about her for a few days then picked up the phone to call her daughter. I was at a loss for words. Her daughter was emotional saying they just hadn't thought this would happen. I missed Ireta's funeral and that made me sad too. I wanted to be there for her family. I also picked up the phone to call my friend Jan Billings, one of Ireta's longtime friends and neighbor of 50+ years. We talked of Ireta and her wonderful qualities and how we'll miss her. I didn't tell Jan this but I wanted to hear Jan's voice, to talk to her "just in case." Jan is 87 and is as spry as any 50 year old. She drives to St. George and a million other places, teaches aerobics, plays in Bridge groups, dresses stylish, cans produce from her garden and more. If I have to live to be 87 I want to be like Jan. I don't think Jan is going to die anytime soon but not being able to talk to Ireta made me think I should talk to Jan, just in case. I ended our call with "I love you," not my standard goodbye with Jan. But I had to say it, so she'd know.
That made me think of other people I love, young and old. Do I spend enough time paying attention to people so that when they die there won't be regrets for me not keeping in touch and telling them I love them? Do I say or show my love enough? I've been with people when they died and it was a spiritual experience as they crossed from this life to the next but you can't shake them and say, wait a minute, I didn't tell you something. It's done. It's over. There are no re-dos. It's kind of daunting to think about how many people I love and that I want them to know that. I can't write a note every day to each and every person - there just isn't time. But I can let them know when I do see them. And I can make it a point to seek people out and share my love by word and deed. Then, when they depart, I'll think back to the last time we talked and I won't feel a profound sadness that they left before I could tell them how I felt. I guess what I've learned is, live a life spreading love. If I do, I won't have any regrets or feel profound sadness. And there will be profound joy when seeing loved ones in the next life knowing I loved them easily and often here on earth.
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